On my 20th birthday, I ended up getting an erection that lasted for 8 hours.
At 3 am, only 180 minutes after no longer being a teenager, something woke me up.
The flesh kickstand was up on my body’s Huffy.
Being no stranger to this situation, I knew exactly what I had to do, and 3-4 minutes later rolled over exhausted to go back to sleep. Except-
It didn’t go away.
It was the sequel. No problem though, I got this.
Whew. I’m tired, okay, now it’s definitely time to hit the-
Oh, what the fuck?! Are you kidding me?
No. Sit. Down, boy. Down.
After nearly four sessions, a pillow covered in sweat, mahogany-stiff sheets, and a body depleted of all fluids, I decided this wasn’t working. What the fuck am I going to do?
It was the hardest situation of my life. Literally.
Shower. Cold shower. Just looking at the near halo of light reflecting off the clean shower head made me feel better already. You’ve met your match evil-boner, meet your kryptonite.
8 hours later…
Oh my god, I’m gonna die by boner.
I’ve called my mom about some embarrassing shit before, but this was one for the record books. Hearing her voice on the other end of the line while having a raging hard-on is high up on my all-time WTF moments in life.
I was crying. I was hurt, and if anything could make this go away, it was her.
She had me put ice on it, more cold showers, taking Ibuprofen, pictures of Renee Zellweger, anything. Nothing was working, I was paralyzed from the pain, and then she tells me-
Don’t freak out, but if it doesn’t go away in the next few minutes you need to go to the hospital.
No problem, I want to go right now! Let them fix it! I can get some pills, right?
They take a 6 inch syringe, shove it up your pee-hole and draw the blood out manually.
There is no god.
Nonetheless, it eventually subsided.
It ended up being the result of a nasty side effect of the drug, Trazodone, an anti-anxiety medication that allows you to get some rest and turn your mind off at night. It’s supposed to help you relax and fight depression.
I was never told about the side effects.
Trazodone side effects may include:
- blurred vision
- decreased sexual desire or ability
- dry mouth
- lightheadedness when sitting up or standing
- muscle aches or pains
- stomach pain;
- stuffy nose;
- Lack of- Wait-
What is Priapism??
Well, it’s when blood continually flows to your genitals, resulting in an erection that can last between 4-12 hours and possibly require medical assistance to cease.
How come no one in the professional field mentioned this to me earlier? Well, that’s kind of the point of this whole thing…
My twenties feel like a side effect of life.
You are told that life is the most beautiful and amazing thing, essentially a drug, and that you can do anything you want with it. You will gain knowledge, experience, find love, raise children, get a home, a job, etc all in this new-found prescription.
However, there is just one thing; like Priapism, your twenties are hard, full of pressure, and you’re gonna be calling your mom crying a lot.
I remember my mom telling me she wouldn’t go back and redo her twenties if you paid her to, which to me seemed odd, because she has had a pretty nice life. She told me it was the struggling, and concreting your future that made it difficult. You knew you were working towards something, but there was no sign of it yet.
Life’s a fucking dick.
It’s time-delayed medication for all of us. It causes headaches, nausea, runny nose, irritability, children, hemorrhoids, PT Cruisers, but the long lasting effects, will benefit more than the side effects.
My mom and family have gotten me through it though. I’ve hit some bottoms, and some rough patches, but I haven’t had to have a needle shoved into my pee-hole just yet. Only when you realize that things could be worse is when you truly start taking notice of the things that are going right.
I guess in the end, the real lesson is appreciation.
After all, I’d rather be a guy dealing with a hard situation every now and then, than be a woman, bleeding from my vagina every month.