In 2002, I was looking for part-time work while still being in school. I ended up running into a friend that I’ll call, ‘Bob’, who gave me his business card and told me about, ‘an exciting money making opportunity.’
I could tell he saw something in me.
I was special.
This wasn’t some business that takes any job applicant, they scout out the best, and that’s what led him to me. I determined I would take the job no matter what it was due to him cherry-picking me specifically, I would make him proud of his choice.
How ya been? Looking good, etc.
Then, we got down to it. Business, bitch.
That’s when I found out that Bob was a fucking asshole, and there are millions just like him.
Below is our transcript. Unfortunately, he only speaks in a rare language known as ‘Lying Douchebag.’ It’s a nearly dead tongue that most aren’t fluent in, however, using a pirated, underground, beta-version of Google Translate, I have taken it upon myself to decipher this for you.
I want to talk to you about Quixtar, Steve.
Translation: I’m about to take advantage of our mere acquaintance knowledge of each other and rape you, Steve.
Give it to me, buddy! I’m ready, eager and willing!
It’s confederate products sold on a tier system of-
Translation: It’s Amway. A fucking pyramid scheme.
No. Not at all. I didn’t say that, I said it’s Quixtar
Translation: Yes. It’s Amway on steroids.
Why would you do this to me? What is wrong with you?
Are you kidding? This is an opportunity for you.
Translation: I don’t even need lube to rape you. That’s how horrible I am.
I have to go, I have an emergency, er, I’ll call you.
Translation: I hope you get a form of AIDS that only exists in gerbils.
In 2001, Amway decided to upgrade their image and recreate their tarnished name by re-marketing themselves as Quixtar. I remember this, the reason being-
I went to my first youth group the next day.
“Steve, come to this meeting. It’s not church. There is music, and it’s not choir music, it’s guitars, drums, the whole package. There are no preachers. Oh, and everyone is your age! The days of church are over, man. This is just a way to hang out with non-pushy individuals who just talk, sing and dance. Yes, dance! It’s so not Jesus.”
In 48 hours, I had been sold and marketed by two completely different entities. One was a nasty, horrible, pyramid-scheme filled with crooks, liars and greed….and the other was Amway.
A few of my friends have been posting a video online recently titled, “Why I hate religion, but love Jesus.” If you get a chance, look at it; it’s phenomenal, well-written…and it almost works.
While watching it, the same feeling started creeping in of when I was at the youth group:
Jesus is now a youtube message. He is a bracelet. He is a billboard. For me to give the reader a whole ‘Jesus is a product’ speech is not only redundant, but insulting to so many people who are completely aware to it. It happens, it won’t be stopped, and bitching about it is pointless.
Many Christians realize the profit made off their beliefs, and even they are angered by it. However, they aren’t getting these new messages that are so meta.
The new advertising is saying exactly what’s wrong with religion, and by pointing out the flaws, makes it okay to have faith now. Come out everyone, it’s alright, if you are breaking away from the fundamental teachings of a belief because it doesn’t apply to our current sociological trends then you are a super christian, right?
Seems believers are getting worried about what the masses of their religion are practicing, and then trying to take an approach that makes about as much since as quitting right before you get fired.
You’re breaking up with religion before getting dumped-
“Sorry Catholicism, it’s not you, it’s me. You just can’t do that thing with your tongue that my new, hip, youth group can.”
Religion isn’t enough to stimulate, it’s old and you’ve gotten used to it. You just lie there and let it finish on your stomach while thinking, “Is the Voice on tonight?”
“Steve, I only follow the main points of the bible. Don’t kill, cheat, steal, etc. But I don’t agree with how it promotes homophobia, owning slaves, degrading women, etc.”
When something has more bad points than good, it’s time to re-evaluate, and amazingly, I see a lot of my friends doing that. It takes balls to stand up against something that holds so much tradition, and I am impressed, with a dash of envy.
I don’t see these ‘youth groups’ as much anymore and part of me is wondering if they were New Coke. Something that they hoped would bring in the Pepsi drinking Atheists and make you convert by its sleek, cool, new image. Only to fail and go back to boring, old, regular ‘church’ coke.
The facebook-huddled masses don’t like the taste of the new Jesus…
“It’s too flat.”
“Tastes like cough syrup.”
“It gave me anal leakage and night terrors.”
“Does Jesus have Splenda instead? I don’t trust Sweet n’ Low.”
“My Jesus has only 10 manly calories!”
Though it may seem like it, this is not an attack on religion. It’s not an attack on belief. It’s more of an observation from an outside perspective of how belief is evolving. It’s like looking at theist hipsters who can find new ways to pray or believe before it reaches the mainstream.
This isn’t your grandmother’s holy spirit, it’s now got the largest 4G network.
Ironically, Christians are evolving, and to think they’re nothing but these neolithic, cave-dwellers that are still afraid of fire, is not only ignorant, but dickish.
I hope this new ideal of ‘no religion, only belief’ works for you. I truly do. I would even go as far to say, I pray it works for you. It’s a great gimmick, and there is no doubt that even if it’s wrong, it will still lead to a moral, better lifestyle than myself.
The self-righteousness seeping into my last few entries is reaching fever pitch and I completely apologize. It’s hard to be an atheist when you think you’re god. If today’s belief is New Coke, than consider me an old school, stereotypical atheist; or a Crystal Pepsi fan.