My 5-year-old son and I are so drunk we can barely stand.
I haven’t seen him stumble this much since he started walking about 4 years ago. It’s adorable.
He is so fucked up, what a light-weight.
We may both be completely wasted, but not so gone that we don’t notice the girl in the corner of the bar, totally checking him out.
“She’s eye-fucking the shit out of me, Dad.”
Play it cool, buddy.
“Forget that, I’m gonna (hiccup) I’m gonna say hey.”
Sigh. Son, I’ll tell you what, play hard to get…don’t worry, she will come to you. Believe me, I know.
“No way. It’s now or never, I’m too interested to wait. I’ll be back, get me another shot of Jameson, alright?”
At this point, I’m trying to cock-block my kid.
This girl at the bar is bad news.
Killian, get back here. I need to tell you about…her.
“She got a STD?
“Then why are you standing in the way of this? What, are you jealous or something?”
No, Killian. It’s more than that, it’s-
“How about you let me find out for myself then? I don’t need your permission or opinion for everything I do.”
Fine. You’re right. I was just trying to help.
I hate this woman at the bar; in fact, I hate everything she stands for. I have many friends who know her, who like her, some even are completely in love with her.
It baffles me. This woman is evil; in my opinion, she is everything that is wrong with America.
I’m supposed to be his wing-man tonight, and I’m failing miserably.
I don’t want him around her. I don’t want her around him. I don’t want her in my house, or his house, or even to hang out in the same group of friends as me.
She is a fucking cunt.
She hates certain groups.
She starts fights.
She doesn’t care about facts or science.
She has horrible influence over people.
Worse though, is that she listens to christian rock.
I remember how it all got brought up in the first place. It was a sneeze.
Killian sneezed in the car, and I didn’t say anything to him.
“Daddy, you didn’t say ‘God bless you?.’”
Huh? Why does he know about that?
“When someone sneezes you have to say ‘God bless you’ right?”
Fuck. No Killian, no you don’t have to say that.
“My teacher does. Grandma does. My friends do. Why don’t you?”
How do I explain this, without ruining Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and God for this 5-year-old?
How do I tell him some of the worst atrocities and hate in the world have stemmed from these ignorant fucks who pray and worship an invisible man in the s-
Oh my word…I’m a pretentious asshole.
My kid says one thing about sneezing and all of a sudden I break out my favorite soapbox to spew my hipster opinion again.
I’m supposed to be his wing-man.
It doesn’t matter if the girl at the bar is ugly or a mistake in my opinion…he’s drunk and curious and I’m there to help him seal the deal.
I’m the fucking wing-man. I’m the parent.
The worst thing I could do is let him flirt with the notion of something, and then yank it away from him like some militant, intolerant, fuck.
I don’t want him flirting with this girl. I don’t want them to get close, and I definitely don’t want her in my son’s head for, who knows how long.
But to deny him that option to choose or make his own opinion is even worse.
My son is 5-years-old, which means he is a drunk adult at a bar.
If you are hammered at a bar, and someone walks in and says, “I’m Jesus Christ”, chances are you are going to believe them.
If you tell him something at his age, he is going to believe it. Even religion.
Get em’ young, right, Jesus?
That’s my only fear.
It’s why I hold back when talking to him about church. It’s why I’m cock-blocking him from the bible.
…and it’s not right.
He is young, but I know him, and I know he isn’t stupid. He isn’t gullible. He won’t be getting into any cars with strangers. In fact, he is the most grounded child I have ever known.
I truly believe that if he stepped foot in a church right now, that he would make his own assertions and views. It’s hard to say and admit to, but it’s true. I know he has been considering it. My parents have said some things about him going to church with them if he wants to. It makes me shudder.
Right now the only thing that is keeping him from attending church is what usually keeps all kids from it: He thinks it will be boring.
I love that the one factor in keeping my son and the holy spirit from forming a tight, bro-seph relationship is the fact that Killian knows he can’t play Pokemon on his Nintendo DS every Jesus Day.
A.D.D is cock-blocking right now…not me.
So have a shot of old testament, son. Chase it with some vacation bible school, and puke up some John 3:16 in the alley at 3am.
It’s your night, and I’m your wing-man. I promise.