I need to get funnier.
I think this is something everyone I know would all agree on. I would like to think that I am currently sitting at a nice 1 outta 10 ‘smirk inducing level of amusement’ to ‘trying too hard, calm down, Steve’ ratio. I’ve always wanted to be amusing in my own way, and I think in some form or another I have somewhat accomplished it.
However, there is a new problem arising, one that overshadows anything I have had before…
I’m getting older.
Yes, older, not in the sense of, what am I doing with my life old, but more, I’m getting less attractive every single day and I need something to cling to that will have people notice me in a good way. I’m dead serious. The physical fermentation that is becoming my body is losing it’s grip on the 27th year of ‘mediocre attractiveness’ that it once had. Small things of course, but I’m noticing how they will snowball in the next 10 years if looked at close enough and this cannot happen. I will do anything to stop it, and I’m hoping funny can take the focus off, if only for a while.
So, with needing to have my jokes deflect the decay that is happening, here are some amusing anecdotes below laced with sad truth:
-Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Steve has an area on his head that is subtly balding and will be completely gone by the time he is 30.
-Steve wasn’t able to get it up during sex and boy are his arms tired…and other things.
-What’s black & White and (not)Red all over?
The lab report Steve got back showing his high cholesterol, take less salt, avoid red meats.
Mishon- Knock, Knock?
Steve- Who’s There?
Mishon- Dave & Tara.
Steve- Dave & Tara Who?
Mishon- Are you fucking kidding me? Dave and Tara our friends; they are at the door you asshole. You have nothing prepared for dinner when I told you to pick up the tri-tip on three different occasions?!
Steve- Wait, huh?
Mishon- Tonight’s dinner, I told you about it 3 weeks ago, but once again you never listen to me. You’re doing it right now, stop watching ‘The Daily Show’, put on some pants and get tri-tip…..we need oranges as well.
Steve- Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
Funny right???? No.
Growing up isn’t funny anymore, but it’s not melancholy for me either. It’s just unavoidable, you can’t escape it now, it’s quicksand and I’m knee deep [with now very sensitive knees, it's a pain from my arthroscopic surgery, astiochotritus-desicans, the Doctor told me to stay off them, but I won't listen to him because he is only trying to milk my insurance dry co-pay by co-pay...sorry what?] in it.
I’m funny, but will it pay off in the end? Is it worth it even trying?
I would love to get to a point where I knew how much money each of my jokes will be worth in the future, implying that if I somehow garner a successful comedy career that each punchline would translate to an amount of legal tender, varying by the value of each humorous antidote. I want nothing more than literally having you laughing all the way to my bank account. Below is what my life would be like if I succeeded:
-I want a checking account full of one-liners.
-I want to be able to pull jokes out of the ATM at a casino with a $2.50 (2 1/2 boner jokes) surcharge.
-I’d like to put a down payment on a house with a 30 minute bit on how different black and white people are.
-I want to be at dinner with Mishon and get a $350 check, “What should I tip honey?” Tip that 5 minute set on Killian learning to potty train. “No, that’s like 10%, I’m just going to go with the guy at the store who parked like a douchebag. Can I get a receipt for that, tax purposes…”
-Honey parking is $5 all I have is $4.50, do you have any Ed Hardy jokes on the floor mat, or in your change tray? Maybe I can find some in the bottom of my purse…
I would love for this to be real, who wouldn’t right? It’s measuring success based off what you truly do. That’s the utmost ideal situation for me at this juncture. However, that means that Facebook isn’t even minimum wage, in fact at this moment in time I am:
-3,500 Kim Kardashian ass jokes in debt.
-I make 15 Chilean Miner quips an hour.
-By the time I finish school I will be close to 150,000 homophobic Republican senators who actually hit on their male interns deep in debt (or 1,000 9/11 jokes).
-I need at least 1,290 George W Bush jokes each month just to pay my bills and rent (Sidenote: GWBush jokes are actually going down in value at the moment, they fluctuate with Obama’s approval ratings. However websites like GWBushjokesForGold.com are making a killing right now.)
Until the day when I get anything accomplished though it’s just going to be thinning hair, more working out whilst eating less, and that familiar un-approving frown that stares me back in the mirror. So, I leave you with one last metaphoric example:
Mishon: Our card was declined.
Steve: Which one?
Mishon: The one that uses all the money from blogs you write involving heavy metaphors.
Steve: Oh yeah, those aren’t worth anything, I thought I told you that?