It was the first girl I had ever asked out, and I didn’t even ask her.

I was in 4th grade, and I was too scared to talk to her. Luckily, my friend, Adam, decided to ask her out for me.

I sat 50 yards away, on the other side of the playground, waiting in anticipation.

-What would she say?-

-Did she even notice me? Know who I am?-

My insides were in knots. My palms were saturated in sweat. This was it.

I was doing my best to see what she was saying to Adam, but I couldn’t tell. I was too far away, drats. Then it happened:

Adam bursts into laughter; kneeling over from whatever she said, and slowly walks back to me, laughing the entire way. He had tears in his eyes, and was hyperventilating from it. It was true laughter, the kind that cramps your sides and burns in pain. The kind of laughter you can’t turn off when getting yelled at by someone.

“What’d she say?”

He couldn’t breathe he was giggling so much. I know he felt bad for it, but he couldn’t help it.

“She…Haha…She…Oh my god.”

What?! TELL ME!

He held his composure for two seconds to get out this one sentence.

“She said you walked like a duck, and that you should go fuck a tree.”

This was my first of many experiences with the opposite sex.

Insult + Injury = That schoolyard moment.

It’s one thing to be discouraged at a failed, courting attempt; it’s a whole other ballgame to have her then suggest that I pick splinters out of my groin after every sexual session.

You have to wonder if making love to a Chia-Pet is considered beastiality?

I was crushed.

I use the term was on purpose.

Cut to 13 years later, at a bar, and she of all people, comes up and starts talking to me. It was a ‘holy shit’ moment. After talking for a few minutes, I came to realize that not only did she have no idea who I was…but that she also totally wanted me.

Revenge is a dish best served drunk.

“This beer is really good! Whew, I’m getting kind of buzzed. So, wanna go to my place?”

I’m shocked at the words coming out of her mouth. This is way too easy. Gone are the days of school yard trials and tribulations. Gone are the obstacles, the challenge.

Sexually, women were puzzles to me before the age of 19. They were a labyrinth that perplexed me in every way. Something that made me tilt my head in confusion. A chess game. So, I learned to become Bobby Fisher.

Check mate.

The worst part is, it worked.

It ignited confidence. It was fun. It was sexually rewarding. It was perfect.

I was genuinely in love…with the payback.

Part of me wanted to call her, “White-Trash Pine-Spruce” during the act, but I didn’t.

I got my revenge, and she had no idea about it.

I would learn that this experience is a complete fluke, and it seems that it’s that way with other people as well.

With facebook, twitter, and especially Tumblr (It’s like facebook for chicks that have no boyfriends) I would witness revenge attempts every day.

Right there on my news feed.

I see it everytime a post says, “I may be down, but I’m not out! Determination, baby! Life is a lesson from God…blah, blah…“

Who are you talking to? Who are you really targeting? Write them a message, not us.

250+ online acquaintances shouldn’t suffer just because you have something to prove to Jake from 3rd period French.

You want to show them. You want to exact your revenge or prove your worth, and now it seems to involve a keyboard and Wi-Fi to do so. You laugh at the misfortune of all those in high school who mistreated you-

Ha! You got fat.

Ha! Your hair is thinning and gray.

Ha! You have 5 kids.

As the person plotting revenge you start to feel like Vivica A. Fox’s daughter in Kill Bill. I saw what you did, and when I get older, I’m going to eventually have my time.

It’s being out in public and seeing the guy who in 8th grade, pulled my shorts down and called me “Sissy Girl”

“Steve, you look great! Wow, it’s been years, what have you been up to?”

Go fuck a tree.

“Really? You had to say that to me now? While I’m holding my 3 year old…in church?”

I want to be too old for discontent. I want to outgrow cynicism and grudges.

We all have these childish rhythms still, and it’s upsetting. It comes out when you go to work, drive, post a status update, or write a weekly blog. I see so many people posting and saying things that just scream, “Look what I did! Look how far I’ve come.”

…and that’s good if it’s an actual accomplishment, which 99% of the time it’s not.

I like to think that every person has their own 4th grade girl. What was said to you? What was your experience? Did you learn from it?

Growing up is a real dick-to-the-face slap some times, and it’s funny how people talking about their bad experiences can let you know if there is a still a red mark under their eye. I’ve noticed that my friends who have found actual success, be it in stock broking, mortgage lending, camera op or actor in movies, tv, bands, etc are the most quiet. They handle their success in stride.

I want people to discover my accomplishments, not have them advertised immaturely.

As for my lesson, I don’t know where I stand. Every now and then I’ll toss a cup of my urine into the old Facebook pissing contest, but it’s usually just shameless self-promotion for this site or for a comedy gig.

I’m done preaching, so, if you take anything from this writing at all, please let it be this one thing:

Finding a picture online of someone fucking a tree is a lot more difficult than you would think, and the search for ‘beastiality’ is in my browser history because I wasn’t sure of the spelling.