Fact: 9/11 was an inside job.

Fact: God isn’t real.

Fact: The Uganda Invisible Children viral video was all a scam.

Do you feel that?

Shh…don’t move.

It’s like caffeine isn’t it? Or maybe a cigarette. Or a large meal.

Fact: Lady Gaga has no talent.

Your stomach grumbles. You are reaching toward your belly, aren’t you? You know it’s coming.

Your body is tensing up. You are breathing slowly to release the pressure.

Fact: American Military Soldiers aren’t heroes.

…and it’s on, fucker!

You remove your belt as fast as you can, rush to get your zipper down, oh my god you aren’t gonna make it, you barely get your underwear past your thighs when it releases and you-

SHIT ALL OVER SOMEONE’S OPINION.

Ohhhhhh my gooooooooddddd…….do you feel that release?!!! WHEW! Holy shit, it feels so good!

It’s breathtaking, nearly orgasmic. You feel alive!

Free at last, hallelujah, free at last! LET THE SUNSHINE! Leeeetttttt the sunshine!!!!

Of course I’m guilty of it too, in fact, I still have some ‘drunken, angry, reply as to why I hate Rick Santorum’ skid-marks in my pants.

The internet causes this diarrhea. We live in an age where any ideal you need evidence to ‘support’ is just a Google away. Someone’s opposing arguments stimulate the bowels of our views, and like monkeys we chuck corn-nugget links to prove why you deserve our brash rebuttal.

Your opinion is my Maalox moment.

It’s hard to find an argument we can’t pass.

I think we all need some social media constipation, but it’s hard when you see such easy targets everyday on your homepage. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing that people can debate back and forth, but it does need to be cooled down a notch.

Maybe if we all lightened up our shit and took a nicer, R. Kelly ‘piss on your point’ approach…we’d all be a lot better.