“I love your costume!” – Me
“Thanks, it’s like, a slutty cop! hehe”- Slutty Cop.
“I love your costume!” – Me
“Thanks, it’s slutty red riding hood!” -Slutty red riding hood.
“You don’t say?!” -Me
“Let me guess, slutty Goldilocks?”
“Hmmm…slutty Robin Hood!? That’s awesome, it’s like a slut that steals STD’s from uncircumcised dudes and then gives them to poorer dudes?”
“I’m so wasted!” -Slut with no sense of humor. Plus, that joke was really reaching…
“Let me guess…..slutty….slut?”
and so on…
The observation that women use Halloween to dress slutty is as old as the holiday itself. You might as well complain about airplane food, race differences and then ask someone to take your wife….please.
Let them have their day, America. They earned it. 364 days of work attire, button downed collared shirts, slacks that are unflattering to their asses, period panties, Victoria Secret sweats and ugly Christmas sweaters. A day (sometimes festive weekend) of wearing garter belts, high heels, too much make up and talking to guys in your greatest up-an-octave ‘fuck me I’m stupid” high voice should be celebrated more. Drink too much. Puke in that cab. Give out your number to a guy that’s a 4 and a half dressed as a cult movie you’ve never seen. Scream out in a bar that ‘this is your jam’ and then only sing 2 lines of the chorus while you slur the rest. Puke in another cab. Pee the bed.
Because the truth is, girls dressing slutty on Halloween are the equivalent of hipsters mustaches…both are worn in irony and both are fucking stupid. The real fun ones are the girls who dress either normal, or in something full bodied. They are the ones who want the inside joke costume, ironic mustaches, a sweater and jeans, their favorite Tarantino character, SNL skits, turtleneck and chastity belt. If she is dressed as Rush Limbaugh with a padded belly, over-alls, and a prosthetic penis while being covered in fake blood and thumb tacks…then I guarantee she has a great body, and is going home with you. She doesn’t give a shit about the night. She is smiling, having fun, but is more than ready to split once things get going. They are the unspoken…the quiet minority. Sipping their drink and having a fluent, coherent and intellectual conversation with their approaching suitor.
Because…I’m a numbers guy. A + B= C.
Now if A is Steve, and B is girl in really slutty outfit….that’s like dividing by 0. It’s not fucking happening. I don’t like that math.
I have discovered this vaginal gold mine while everyone else is digging for copper! It’s the oddest version of ‘no fucking way irony’ that I can explain…and it only happens once a year. These girls don’t show it during St Patrick’s Day, New Years, Independence Day, flag day (fuck you, the true sluts come out June 14th…it’s like clockwork.)
There is a method to their madness on Halloween, and it’s awesome. It’s so unknown, yet so right in your face…screaming at you. The twist ending….and maybe happy ending.
“I’m dressed as a sexy devil, which means I will start to make out with you in the restroom and then leave halfway to go find my friend, Trixie…oh my god, has anyone seen her? What?! No!? She could be dead!??? All 30 of us girls better leave right now in a cock blocking action so large it should involve a city demonstration permit!.”
Meanwhile, conservatively dressed Emily Dickinson and I are taking a cab home to celebrate the true meaning of Halloween….anonymous, uninhabited, one night sex. A night that burns like the candle illuminating a jack o’ lantern, especially if you didn’t wear a condom.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
Exception: If you were ever varsity anything; whether it be, high school, or college…this method doesn’t apply to you. In fact, congrats on having sex with slutty Snow White…and Cinderella…