I decided to give in and say what I am thankful for this year….sort of.
I am thankful for-
DRIVE- I can’t wait to get it on blu-ray and watch it so many times the disc erodes. Thank you, only great film of the year.
KILLIAN- I know I would have to put my son anyways, but I actually really mean this. The way he is growing up, and his forming tastes in pop culture, along with our mutual other interests is really awesome. I wonder what it’s like for some people to truly hate their kids. I’m pretty honest about things like that…if he was a mistake, I’d say so.
MY CONDO- I have a piece of shit car, no money, hardly any food, but I love my place. It’s amazing. Thanks Craig.
ALBERT UNDERWOOD- Albert, thanks for moving to Denver, so I could take over your part time job showing movies to test audiences and getting paid for it. It’s fucking awesome.
SEX- “Thanks for whoever is having sex with Steve, it’s nice to have some time off..” -My Hand
MY HAND- “Thanks for being an understudy when we can’t make it.” – Sex
SUGAR FREE ROCKSTAR- Thanks for always keeping my leg shaking. We’ve had some good times.
RYAN GOSLING (YEAR 2011) – Is there anything you can’t do??!
BREAKING BAD- I thank you, but at the same time I hate you for making every other show out there only mildly entertaining in comparison. You are a gift and a curse.
YOGA PANTS – Though I have never worn you…you are appreciated, friend.
SEXTING- Who would’ve thought?!!
TWITTER- For those of you that follow me….I’m sorry. Yes, I try too hard, but it’s my only outlet right now. 1 outta 10 funny ratio ain’t bad. Oh, @notsteveryan.
NEW IPHONE NOTIFICATION SETTINGS- It really is the little things.
RELIGION- For giving people something to believe in; I know I think they are all crazy, but I truly believe that if some of those people didn’t have it…they’d be even more fucked up. Oh, and just let gays marry you closed-minded fucks.
MY PARENTS- Hey, remember that time you two fucked and brought me into existence? Thanks…but I hope you never did it again after that.
ANYONE WHO PUTS UP WITH ME – I will never know the pain and extreme patience you have. This isn’t a joke either…thanks.
TOM HANKS- I forgive you for Larry Crowne.
ANYONE WHO READS/SHARES THIS BLOG- I have no idea why you do, but I try to throw in some decent boner jokes to at least make it mildly entertaining.
CELEXA- My meds that make it so I stay a little bit sane and only cost $4/month instead of $80 like my last meds. Everyone who deals with me daily also says thanks.
KIM KARDASHIAN- For without you being in headlines I probably would’ve had to read another boring Darfur article.
RUNNING- The only sport you can do anywhere, anytime…unless you’re in a wheelchair.
COMMUNITY- I hope it’s not the end, you are too good to be shelved.
OCCUPY WALL ST.- For showing me you don’t have to be the Tea Party to make an idiot out of yourself. It’s over guys, move on.
BED, BATH & BEYOND- I don’t think I have ever bought anything from your store, but every time I go inside you, it gives me the motivation to make my life better and eventually be able to afford a $500 blade-less desk fan.
JON STEWART - I hope I get to meet you one day.
TYLER PERRY- For teaching me the profitable business model of exploiting your own race. I shall attempt to do it with white people…
LARRY THE CABLE GUY- Shit, you beat me to it. Nonetheless I thank you for showing me that middle America will pay for anything.
DIPPIN DOTS CLAIMING BANKRUPTCY- It’s about fucking time. How dare you try and invade the sanctity of traditional scoops…you go to hell.
PRETENTIOUS LISTS- For without them, this particular blog wouldn’t be possible.
Happy Thanksgiving…sort of.