So, in my mind right now is a boardroom. There is a long table with well dressed executives occupying smooth, black, leather seats, all properly groomed and maintained, hair slicked back, and faced in the same direction…looking at me, Steve.

Why am I here?

“Steve? We need an answer..” – One of the strong jawed suits asks.

“I am still thinking…sorry. I just don’t know right now.” – Me, voice trembling.

“Steve, you are trying to establish an audience, you know you can’t do that without exposure? We need to know where to take this company. We have stock in it just as much as you do, and we aren’t about to let it slip away by some young punk.” – One of the executives chimes in, finally taking a moment to stop fiddling with his Blackberry.

“I just think it’s kind of unnecessary at this point. I really don’t get that much traffic, maybe give it a few more months or a year, you now, allow me to gain some momentum?” – Me

“This is a 50/50 deal between the firm and you, Steve. We can’t sign away without your consent, and you can’t without ours. However, it can’t happen unless we both agree as a whole. In some way you want this to happen, otherwise you wouldn’t have tried.” – pipes in a man who immediately looks at his watch in anticipation.

“It’s so narcissistic though; the minute I do it, it’s pretty much admitting that I think I’m good enough to deserve it. I don’t think that. I think people like it…but it’s just for novelty. I just want to crawl up in a little ball, write occasionally and masturbate.”

A board member throws his hands up in frustration,

“Seriously? Does he always have to bring up the masturbation in every blog? Did ya see last weeks? I mean how do you sneak masturbation into a fucking Christmas blog? Maybe he’s right…” -Disgusted executive.

“FINE. You know what? Fine. Just do it…I’m jumping in…just….sigh…create it.”

“Are you sure, Mr. Ryan?”

After a very long pause…I let out a deep sigh…lift my head up and nod.

Suddenly the board room door bursts open; a large, dark, Igor-looking creature starts to cackle, the lights go out,  the sky turns black, the moon goes blood red and only flashes of lightning brighten the conference room. An executive starts doing hail Mary’s and speaking in tongues, others take refuge under the large wooden conference table. Another executive rips open his dress shirt, takes a fountain pen and starts carving pentagrams into his chest. The blood gets on another board members $3,000 shoes and he bellows out in horror!

I finally take to my knees and scream:

“WHAT HAVE WE DONE!? I SHOULD’VE NEVER LISTENED TO YOU! WHY DIDN’T I IGNORE THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME ‘NO’ ! IT WARNED US AND WE IGNORED THE PLEAS OF STEVE’S CONSCIENCE, WE’RE DAMNED AND WE DESERVE IT!!”

Through the screams and thunderous booms I see the Igor looking creature pull on a large metal lever…the text over it flashes from a Red ‘OFF’ to a bright green ‘ON.’

Slowly the power in the room is restored…

The sky goes from a dark black cloud to a bright blue, sunny display…

Executives start poking their heads from under the table…they’re alive. I, am alive. I suddenly get the urge to see my family, smell the dew of fresh cut grass, wave to a neighbor, throw a snowball, anything to live! I’ve been to hell and back and I made it out in one piece.

…and after all that back-and-forth…after all the self-doubt, the ‘what if’, the tug of war with my boardroom mindset…

a Facebook ‘like’ page for grossefidelityanything.com: Steve Ryan Talks Too Much was created.

I’m terrified about establishing this as a means of approval, but it works nicely with how I want my site, writings, and audience to grow. Newly pressed writings on my site will now be available every Thursday. I’m not asking you to ‘like’ it, however if you enjoy it and don’t mind showing it, click here…it’s always appreciated.

Steve Ryan