I’m a cynic, I think we all know that.
I enjoy trying to be clever, without being too rude, in pointing out the ridiculousness of probably some of your favorite things. Which leads me to the topic of…
Q. What angle is Steve going use to attack the tradition of Christmas?
- A.) Non-stop Holiday music at your favorite stores?
- B.) Overcrowding of Malls and parking lots?
- C.) What’s the deal with this cold weather? Am I right?
- D.) The blatant commercialism instead of religious heritage?
…and to that I answer:
None of the above.
I fucking love Christmas.
I’m dead serious. I don’t know if it’s how the air feels, or driving around the nice neighborhoods looking at lights, finally having money to get my family the gifts they want, ice skating with Killian downtown, or watching Scrooged and marveling at how awesome Bill Fucking Murray is?!!
The list is endless.
I’m an anti-Scrooge. I enjoy sucking at the teat of Santa, cutting down a tree and decorating it while making cookies is almost, almost, as good as road-head. It’s downright magical actually, and fuck you if you don’t agree. Unless you’re Jewish…shalom, neighbor.
Here’s my point:
I’m not ruining Christmas.
Keep your trees up.
Say “Merry Christmas” when I buy fifths of tequila at Wal-Mart.
Put up lights, baby-Jesus mangers, sing carols at my door….you know why?
Because it’s tradition, and I fucking love it. I don’t want you to stop.
Just the same as I don’t want Kwanzaa (how dare my computer not have this word in it’s dictionary), Chanukah, Satan worshipers, etc to stop either. It’s time to get together with your friends, indulge in some consumerism for the sake of others and just realize how much you love your family.
I’m an atheist and I’ll defend Christmas til the day I die
I’m not destroying its name by not believing in middle-America’s adorable little fable?! I also don’t believe in ghosts and I still celebrate Halloween. I am just doing the same thing you are:
- Giving gifts to my son from ‘Santa.’
- Taking him ice skating downtown and seeing if we can spot Rudolph on Christmas Eve.
- Eating and drinking with friends and family.
- Watching Flick’s tongue get stuck to a pole in “A Christmas Story” and later trying to recreate it drunk at a local strip-club.
- Looking at someone’s face light up when you get them a great gag-gift or something they truly wanted.
- Baking gingerbread houses so awful that nobody eats them, forcing the pastry housing market to go into Rock-Hard-Frosting-Foreclosure.
It may not be much to Fox News viewers who truly think there is a ‘war’ going on over this whole mess, but it’s the truth. This is the only war I have seen that started over no casualties, and it’s just as ridiculous as any other fight. In fact, you can check my closet, I’m not hiding any ‘presents of mass-destruction’ to bring down your bearded buddy’s annual birthday party. There will be no anthrax in the cards I send to family, just pictures of my junk…you’re welcome.
Leave the Christ in Christmas, or don’t, mainly because it would really suck to have to pronounce it ‘mas’ for the rest of my life. That just doesn’t roll off the tongue.
Here’s the truth:
You know why we really say “Happy Holidays?” You REALLY want to know? You think it’s because of being PC, that we don’t want to offend anyone, or leave anyone out, and since Christmas is the MVP, if we acknowledge everyone else that some how will take away from it?
It’s because we are the fattest nation on the planet, which means that we will do the easiest thing we can to shorten something. “Happy Holidays” is a conjunction for everyone’s beliefs. Instead of saying, “Enjoy your Shake-Weight, Ma’am, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa , Happy Chanukah, Merry Wednesday, Muchas Gracias, and don’t forget to get your boss something for bacon celebration week” Our lazy asses can nail all the bullet-points in one, simple, phrase.
It’s a shortcut, people….not an assault.
So, I beg you, please, chill out, America. Franky and Santa say: RELAX.
Get your family some tri-flavored popcorn tins, drink too much eggnog and tell Grandma what you think of her, wear a tacky sweater, go sledding.
Shack up on the couch in your favorite red PJ’s, eat some red and green M&M’s, and rub yourself raw with peppermint lotion while watching “A Christmas Story”…but be careful, you just may shoot your eye out.