I remember my first spout of real inspiration came April 16th, 1999 when I was sitting in 4th period Spanish. We had a guest speaker come in that day who was a Gold Medal winning female Olympic diver. She had a gold medal, a fucking gold medal! A gorgeous symbol of hard work, determination, and a beaming emblem that presented a life of minimal fuck-ups and catastrophe. I could see it all the way from the back of the class, and the moment only got better when she willingly passed it around to each person in class. She was proud of her accomplishment, and incredibly, not overly protective. It was heavy, shiny, with not a scratch on it. I’ve never seen a gold object so entrancing. The kind of gold only R. Kelly could wish his showers could be….it was inspiration, and you could wear it on your neck.

I took out a piece of paper and I wrote the following-

“Dear Steve, I hope you are doing good. Did we succeed? Am I a comedian? I have a good feeling about the future. Best of luck, see you in 10 years.”

Fast forward to Sept. 30th, 2011- I found the note in a shoebox in my parent’s garage. I even procrastinate on my 10 year plan, it’s now 12 years past…It has been on my mind for nearly 3 weeks, below is what I believe would happen if my past self met my current self.

“Oh, you’re still in school?”

Yeah

“Masters? Doctorate?”

Undergrad.

“Ever been abroad?”

No. Well….Canada.

“How we doing on stand up?”

Haven’t done it in almost 10 months, and before that about 1 year, and before that about 4 years. So…not a lot, but I make jokes on facebook and Twitter almost everyday…

“Uh huh. What kind of car do you drive?”

1998 White Mercury Tracer.

“5 disc CD changer?”

Tapedeck…with iPod dock.

“What the fuck is- nevermind. Assets?”

No. I collect movie ticket stubs.

“Ever won a street fight?”

No. Oh, reminds me, don’t go to your apartment complex pool on July 3rd, 2003…it’s gonna hurt.

“Am I in shape?”

You manage a gym.

“So I’m in shape?”

Um…

“Do I have a 6 pack”

You have acid reflux.

“Do people like me?”

You have acid reflux.

“Flying cars? Hoverboards? Retina scanners? Autolace shoes? Is there anything technologically successful that will make up for your lack of?”

Really good medication for acid reflux…and fleshlights.

“Do chicks have 3 boobs yet?”

Only if you are in a three-some and one of the women has lost one to cancer.

“I am ok with that.”

I know.

“Wife?”

Nope.

“House?”

Condo.

“Do I own it?”

You have friends in higher places who pity you.

“Fair enough, am I doing good in school?”

You still pretend to take notes when really you’re just doodling and checking out the girl’s thong in front of you.

“I can live with that. Any future advice?”

Lower your expectations.

“Already am starting that…Children?”

Yeah. He’s 5 and his name is Killian.

“I named my son after a beer?”

Fuck you. You didn’t even have the beer until 6 months after he was born, come on…

“What about that thing I do…ya know…in private…like 3 or 4 times a day?”

You increase your daily rate 10 fold.

“That’s sad.”

If you’re gonna cry I can give you a tissue.

“Are there even any left?!”

Touche.

“Wow….So let me sum my future up: I don’t like working, I don’t like women, I obviously don’t like condoms, I don’t like good credit, and I have a blog…”

Well…if you want to be a dick about it….yeah.

“I guess I will see you around then…”

I’ll see ya when I see ya.

Don’t miss my follow up to this blog titled “Part 2: 40 year old Steve’s talk with 28 year old Steve.” Here is a sneak peek:

“Wait, there was an operation and I’m a woman now!?”

You always knew you were…