Mayhem. It happens, and when it does…are you gonna be covered?

Picture this:  I’m a late 50′s older male suffering a stroke due to rapidly developing loss of my brain function, usually due to a disturbance in the blood supply to the brain…

As if this health scare isn’t bad enough, I also have a pretty non-existent marriage, a daughter who never returns my phone calls, and a 401k that could fit on a Starbuck’s gift card. I am not healthy, starting to acknowledge that I’m on my way out, and scared…

But, I may have found help-

But-What-If Inc.

Here at But-What-If, we take care of anyone who is starting to get a feeling that they may be checking out of this world and are consumed with a gradual crescendo of fear. In fact, we partnered with Fear LLC, and get a lot of referral business from their clients. (Mention this ad and get %10. Check us out on Groupon, or see our ad in Leviticus!)

So…you say you’ve never been religious, but are now considering it ‘just in case’ right? You never know?! That doubt on science and fact is starting to slip; but don’t worry,  I’m sure if there is a God he will be okay with the fact that you use your belief in him like it’s birth control. Just don’t skip a dose you dirty whore, you!

You may want to stop by any of our 335,000 religious congre- I mean, offices if you have any questions. See our FAQ below!

FAQ

What’s the history on your company?

But-What-If Inc. has been around for centuries. We are a median for individuals that don’t like other ‘commission, hard-sell’ companies such as Mormon Co, Christian Assoc,  and Dickhead Atheist Intl (you know they don’t drug test their employees!). While those other companies push their product on you, But-What-If Inc sits back and lets you decide.

Getting over a drug habit? – But-What-If Inc can help!

Tough Divorce? – But-What-If Inc can help!

Suicide survivor? – But-What-If Inc can help!

or if you’re just a douche with a lifted truck. We can help!

At what age should I start considering taking out afterlife insurance?

-Anytime when fear of death creeps in, pray as needed.

I’ve never been too religious, but always had faith, and now that the clock is ticking on me I have decided to really make up for lost time. Is there any Jesus extra credit I can apply for? I’m kind of getting scared..

-No problem. You’d be amazed at how many of our customers are just like you?! In fact, they’re terrified! Just like any other situation, the more fear that you have, the more you’ll be prone to do anything about it! You can start out small if you want, start making collection plate donations, maybe a magnetic fish on your bumper sticker, start boycotting products that are homosexual friendly, the possibilities are limitless!

What if I’m Gay?

All our customers know that knees are used for praying to God, not servicing Sebastian in a handicapped stall. It’s a choice honey, get over it.

I’m a person who has always had faith, but I also follow science, I don’t live my life preaching to anyone, I’m level-headed, work full-time, have a family and am pretty well rounded…in fact I actually really enjoy talking with my close friends who vary from atheists, to very strict Christians…Should I get afterlife insurance?

We’re a business man, get the fuck outta here with that shit.

I’m an atheist, and I really have to pee…can I use your bathroom real quick, please?

Restrooms are for customers only! Take that tainted urine to the Scientology church…

Here’s what they are saying about us on Facebook:

“I’m Steve Ryan, and I’m not a policy holder with But-What-If Inc….but I lay awake every night scared that one day I may get coverage for all the wrong reasons.”